Mascot Madness

By Val Thompson

The WNBA announced the new team name and logo for the new franchise in Chicago today. And the much anticipated result is: The Chicago Sky. They'll be light blue and yellow (like a sky?). I'm told the logo includes the Sears Tower, which forms the "k" is Sky.

Team CEO and president Margaret Stender said the name had to be "distinctly Chicago". Right. No other towns or cities in America, or in the world, for that matter, have a sky. Stender said they got the idea because of the Chicago skyline, but doesn't every major city have a skyline? She said they chose Sky because it's inspirational, as in "reaching for the sky" and it's "high energy." Nothinhg gets my juices flowing like looking up at the sky, especially during drab Chicago winters when the city is covered in a gray haze for five months.

The most disappointing thing is that they had so many good things to chose from. Stender joked that one of the choices was Chicago Loopsters, named after downtown Chicago's "Loop." I don't think that's half bad. Drop the -sters and just call them the Chicago Loop. Chicago Wind is lame. Chicago Fire is taken. Heck, why not call them the Chicago Stenders after the first owner. At least that's original. Few things are more bland than the Sky.

So this got me thinking about the worst and best team names in professional sports. College teams are not included because they are way to numerous. Also, I don't give bonus points for tradition. Just because the Cincinnati Reds have been the Reds for 140 years doesn't change the fact that they're called the Reds.

Let's start with the negative:

Cities that didn't even try: Houston Texans, Philadelphia Phillies, Montreal Canadiens, New York Mets, New Jersey Metrostars (MLS). Come on. When your team mascot is just the state (or province, or country, or city nickname, or just a generic nickname for the word "city") that's just unacceptable. That's the reason you have the city to precede the mascot. There's no reason to double up.

Trying too hard to sound cool: Arizona Diamondbacks, Washington Wizards, Jacksonville Jaguars, Toronto Raptors, Minnesota Timberwolves, San Antonio Silver Stars (MLS). More recent franchises seem to be most guilty of this. It's like they're going out of their way to avoid having a monosyllabic nickname. Timberwolves, Jaguars, Wizards and Raptors may be cool in fantasy comic books, but not professional baseball teams. Diamondbacks, with the "clever" play on words for a baseball team, just sounds too cutesy. And nobody knows, or cares, what a Silver Star has to do with San Antonio (just don't mess with Texas, right?)

Too generic: Miami Heat, Connecticut Sun, Phoenix Suns, Chicago Sky, Columbus Crew (MLS). The first three have to do with warm weather. That in itself shows you've got a problem. Miami, Connecticut and Phoenix all claim to be hot. So does Los Angeles, Orlando, San Francisco, Houston, and pretty much any other city in the summer. Complaining about hot weather (or glamorizing it) is lame. The Chicago Sky have already been dealth with. For the Columbus Crew, why not just call them the Columbus Team?

Bad Birds: There are a surprising amount of bird mascots, but the Cardinals, Blue Jays and Red Wings (bird feature?) come up short in the fearful mascot factor. I don't care what your state bird is, or if you've got Cardinals taking over the city, you don't name your team after an animal the size of rat that couldn't hurt a fly. If you're going to go with a bird mascot, stick to Falcons and Eagles.

Seems depressing: The Indiana Fever (WNBA). Who wants to be sick? Why would you want to name your team after a condition that makes you want to lay in bed all day, vomit, and hope to die?

Now to the good ones, one at a time:

New York Yankees: It's a classic nickname that goes back even before professional baseball. It's distinctively American for a team that happens to be the most prominent in the country. Plus, it's original. No one else can, in good conscience, name themselves the Yankees after the reputation the boys in the pinstripes have built.

Milwaukee Brewers: This is one of my personal favorites. They've picked a profession that the city is known for, and that most people in Milwaukee can relate to. It's snappy, original, and distinctly Milwaukee. They brew beer, they're proud of it, they advertise it. That's what a mascot should do.

Seattle Mariners: How is it that all of these teams on the coast haven't come up with an idea to name the team after "one who navigates a ship"? It doesn't have Brewers impact, but a Mariner sounds like he'd be a pretty cool guy and someone you'd like to hear stories from.

Colorado Rockies: One of the few recent franchises that got it right. The Rocky Mountains are the most distinguishable feature in the area, and they're one of a kind (unlike the sun or the sky). Rockies sounds intimidating and it makes for a great logo.

Los Angeles Dodgers: I like this one just because of the history involved. When they were in New York, they were originally named the "Trolley-Dodgers." That's just great creativity. In a city like New York with so much going on, the ownership came up with something that almost everyone could identify with.

Dallas Cowboys: Teams in Texas are notorious for bad state-oriented names (see Texans, Silver Stars). But the Cowboys works because it's so appealing. What kid didn't pretend to be a cowboy when he was growing up? There's something very fun-loving and interesting about being named after guys who spent their lives going from town to town and rabble-rousing, kind-of like a professional sports team.

New England Patriots: This mascot has captured the American revolutionary spirit the way the Yankees represent the Civil War era. The leaders were known as patriots. Our founding fathers were patriots. Back in the day when Boston was king of the country, being called a patriot meant a lot. It still does.

Pittsburgh Steelers: This is a great city identifier. Pittsburgh is a harsh, industrial city. They make steel. No other city can stake such a worthy claim to steel, unless Gary, Indiana somehow gets a professional team (WNBA, maybe?). It symbolizes the grit and hard-nosed style of play this team is known for.

Green Bay Packers: It's such an original name because it has original roots. The name wasn't thought up in some committee like these new mascots are. The original team owner just happened to get uniform money from the Indian Packing Company, his employer. So, sure, he named the team after the company. The Packers is simple, and like Steelers and Brewers, a profession, not an animal, is always the way to go.

San Francisco 49ers: They had to be thinking, "we can't name our team after a year, can we?" But what else did they have? the San Francisco Rice-a-Ronis? 49ers is great because the history of that city is so well known, the number needs no explanation. The city of San Francisco may be non-existent if they hadn't struck gold in 1849. This is a proper tribute.

Philadelphia 76ers: You know I couldn't have the 49ers and not the 76ers. I like it specifically because Philadelphia is reminding everyone that they were around, and pivotal, when the United States declared themselves independent. Before Washington D.C., Philadelphia is where the fathers came and made their stand.

Detroit Pistons: Maybe my favorite of all. What says Detroit more than automobiles? But they didn't pick something lame like the Detroit Autos or the Detroit Transmissions. They picked the Pistons, a high-charged, powerful, no-nonsense firecracker that makes the car move. Brilliant.

Vancouver Canucks: The Canucks have done something smart that the Canadiens and Texans have failed to do. They took a regional name and twisted it a little bit. I didn't know until ten minutes ago that a Canuck was a "Canadian, specifically a French Canadian." But who knows that? Only the people who are distinctly Vancouver enough to get it. I'm fine with that. Plus, Canuck rhymes with puck. Pretty sweet.

Minnesota Lynx: This is another one I had to look up. Minnesota took a generic name like wildcats (perhaps the crappiest mascot name of them all) and made it distinct. A lynx is a wildcat native to northern North America, or, in other words, Minnesota, which is about as north as we go. Lynx is a snappy, one-syllable word that sounds crisp.

Phoenix Mercury: Phoenix has done for hot weather was the Lynx did for the wildcat. They've found a cool way to use it. Heat, Sun, Suns and Sky are all garbage. But Mercury sounds tough for some reason. It's lurking around the corner, blazing hot, and ready to pounce.

Chicago Fire: Another one of my favorites. They picked something well-known about Chicago, without getting lame about it. They're not the Chicago Columbian Expositions or the Chicago Riotous Democratic Conventions. They're lucky to have an event that sounds so cool as a mascot, but credit them for being the first professional team in Chicago (and there are many, and there have been many others) to think of it.